This Spring has not been rainbows and
butterflies. In fact, I've seen neither one so far...
It's been warm and cold and cool and
windy and a little warm but then the wind blows again, it rains, and
it's freezing cold again. We've had to replace some of our seedlings
that we transplanted into the ground because of wind and cold-weather
damage.
And once again, I'm reminded how
weather can have as tight of a grip on my mood as the loving Aunt
Flo. I've been happy and sad and mad and apathetic and a little
humored but then the wind blows again, it rains, and I'm raging mad
again. I've had to squeeze Doug's hand and allow myself some time off
to recover and rediscover why I want to be here.
Let me try to use a relatable example
to help you understand how I've been feeling. Do you have siblings?
Have you ever fought with your siblings (over stupid things?)? Have
you ever been so angry, so frustrated and raging mad that all you can
do is scream or cry? Yeah, I do have a sibling and I have felt this
way. You probably know I have a twin sister; we used to fight all the
time over just about everything. We would scream and cry and even
yell, “I hate you!” I don't think I've ever told anyone else in
my life that I hate them. Only my sister. My only sister. I've never
understood how someone so close to me could make me feel so
incredibly furious! Do you know what I mean? As Doug would say, Y'now
mean?
Yeah, thas kinda how I bin feelin.
I haven't yelled “I hate you” at
anyone, but I have screamed and cried. And I've asked myself why am I
here? Is what I am doing here worth this heartache and pain and all
these tears? And I am wondering why I am having these intense
emotions in this foreign land where my only sister is not.
So I've been thinking on these things
while I rest and while I work. Why are people smiling one day and
hiding the next? And in my own way I've been trying to listen for
answers. I've come up with a couple of things that I would like to
share, in a rambling kind of way.
I think people just want to be
understood. When I'm misunderstood, I feel out of place. I must be in
the wrong place if people don't understand me. I want to move to a
place where I am understood and therefore can be myself. Most
obviously, being understood means being able to exchange words
effectively with other people, verbal communication (if you're of the
speaking/hearing kind). But understanding also encompasses how we
dress, how we work/carry out tasks, our response to any given
situation (spoken or unspoken), how we eat, how we wash dishes, how
we prepare foods, how we stir the pot (literally and figuratively).
Anything and everything we do or don't do is communicating some kind
of message to people. And this can really suck sometimes. Usually
it's pretty easy to control what we say to people, but it's harder to
control our nonverbal communication.
I think hate really just comes down to
love. They are both really intense emotions that I think go
hand-in-hand. I may be really naïve to say this, because maybe I
don't have any legitimate reasons to “hate” anybody. Nobody has
maliciously killed anybody close to me, I've never experienced true
hatred from anybody else to hate back, etc. But I do know that the
only person I have really been hateful towards is someone who I love
very, very, very much, and who loves me back.
Needless to say, there are a lot of
misunderstandings at ARI: a lot of broken English, broken Japanese,
quizzical expressions, frustrated sighs, “neverminds,” apologies,
eye-rollings, smiles, hrmphs, laughs, and ignorance. But what I am
trying to believe more and more everyday is that underneath all of
this is an immense amount of love. Not only rainbows and butterflies
kind of love but the kind of love that also lends to disappointment,
anger, and maybe even hatred. Note: I do not want to belittle
anyone's experience with these emotions or say that love and hate are
all the same. I just want to share how some really intense negative
feelings have shown me love in a new way.
So let me quit flappin' ma jaws and
share some pictures from this week that have nothing and everything
to do with love:
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Viewing samples of baby dragonflies at Art Biotop |
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Listening to "Rustico" play at Art Biotop, two very talented ladies! |
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Knight Field is growing up! |
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Tater sprouts! |
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Cookie baking crew for ARI Sunday |
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Mexican cuisine for ARI monthly gathering! |
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Enjoying food and fellowship |
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Doug made a tetherball court for us to exercise our muscles and frustrations and fun! |
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Dandelions! |
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Flower weeds in the wheat |
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Sam from Myanmar working in the wheat fields |
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We had 4 birthdays this week! (and 4 friends from home off the top of my head: Sean, Marc, Morgan, and Sam!) If Birthdays aren't a representation of love, I don't know what are! |
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Ferns uncurling |
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Momiji friend |
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Fields and Mountains |
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Wow! |
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Doug says my hair is long enough for a cow to lick! Check it out! |
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Vic from the Philippines preaching for ARI Sunday at Nishinasuno church! |